My pole journey is not just my pole journey - it's connected with everything else and gets affected by the circumstances in everyday life, my emotional ups and downs at times, relationships, loneliness, busyness, lack of pole space, motivation level, health issues, whatever - you name it.
I want to share one relationship that I had in my life some time back and how it affected me. It affected how I felt about myself, how I looked at myself in the mirror, how I felt when I wanted to pole. I allowed this person's words to make me feel less-than, ugly, unworthy, unattractive and even at times wishing I was dead. I definitely didn't want to pole.
I deleted this post (below in italics) almost a year and a half ago. That's how long it's been since I've published a new post here in my pole dance blog. I struggled with feelings of embarrassment, fear, and confusion surrounding this.
I found myself being sucked back into a relationship with the same person I describe below after I had written the post and after I had gained clarity about how wrong the relationship was, how unhealthy it was for me.
How could I go back to this horror? What the hell was wrong with me? I asked myself this over and over and I am sure many others looking from the outside in would ask me the same thing.
Unless you have been in an emotionally/psychologically/physically abusive relationship, you may not understand the nature of a trauma bond - something I found out had a name, the thing that made me keep wanting to be with someone who would treat me so horribly.
I have since forgiven myself for this - for wanting poison and not understanding why I wanted it so bad. The nature of a trauma bond is chemical - much like a human's addiction to a substance like heroine. The abuse cycle creates very strong doses of hormones in the human body like dopamine and oxytocin - and thus an addiction is created and it very hard to break.
I have since forgiven the person as well - and cut them out of my life for good.
I feel the need to be real, to be vulnerable and open about my shortcomings in hopes that it will help another that is in the same confusing situation.
Here is the post I deleted in fear of them reading it and also in my own shame of going back to this person.
Slut. Stripper. Whore. That's what he said when I shared what I really love doing with pole.
The words stung but I chose not to pay attention to the way it made something inside of my abdomen curl up and hurt. I swallowed the words like a rotten, curdled, lukewarm drink that had been sitting on the shelf of someone else's bitter heart too long. I reasoned it away. Oh, he's probably trying to be funny, oh, he doesn't understand pole because he's a guy, oh, this and oh that. Bullshit.
I fell in love - or grew into love - I don't even fucking know what it was now - about 10 months ago. It was 6 months after I lost my husband and I was lonely and looking for someone to fill that void I think. But I met a man, slim and tall and handsome who said and did all the right things that made my heart do funny things.
So I jumped in head first - I felt some hesitation when he was intensely into me at the beginning - I wanted to slow it down but the gravity of a slippery slope of exciting sex and all of that Oxytocin that comes from that skin contact after being so lonely for so long - God, it overwhelmed me and I just let myself drown in it, never stopping to listen to the messaged my gut was giving me all along: slow down; did you really like what he just called you? do you really want to do that? ouch, what he just said and did hurts my soul in a deep way...I didn't even give myself the respect enough to listen.
But I stopped to listen to myself recently, called the whole thing off and stopped it all long enough to have some silence to let all of those messages that have been building up come in a flood...then they slowed down and I gave each message respect and time to absorb them. And I started reading about toxic, subtly abusive people and how they can slowly get into your soul and mind and their poison start its destruction.
I am now in a place of peace inside and out; a place in my life where maybe I was blind for a bit because I chose to be, but then I loved myself enough to make the choice to stop it, to get it out of my life, out of my vicinity physically and emotionally. I am hurting only for the loss of what I thought I had and healing with the hopes for something real and beautiful in the future, something that I deserve. My heart is sometimes so lavish and full and giving that I allow less-than-real people to suck from it.
My dancing will continue. I just put my pole up in it's new space my gym-slash-bedroom of the new house I'm renting. There aren't tall ceilings and smooth floors but there is space enough to do my pole work and to dance like I want to. Some pretty lights will be up soon to set my dance mood :)
I write and share this in raw, ugly realness in the hopes that maybe someone like myself will read it and consider what they have been ignoring. Love doesn't hurt, love doesn't put you down, love doesn't see ways to make you question yourself and what you love doing. If it feels like a sting in your gut, it's a sting in your gut. Pay attention. Don't allow it to keep happening. Love yourself enough to get away from it.
I am happier and freer now and have learned some more valuable life lessons. :)
And I am still poling with great passion! No one can ever take that from me.
