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My New Pole Space.

I am so thankful for my new pole space...

When I was looking for a house to purchase to be my "forever home", the two criteria it HAD to have were:

- a fourth bedroom and
- high ceilings!

I looked and scoured real estate listings and looked through the posted photos and would occasionally find an area of the house that had REALLY tall ceilings like 15 feet or more but I just needed something with 10' to 12'.

I had another little house wish-list going on as well as well as a budget to fit into. One day I finally had the thought of looking at new homes that could be semi-customized. I started looking online and found a home within my budget, with a fourth bedroom, ten-foot ceilings and everything but one item off of my house wish-list!

Thus my new pole space - it is a little smaller than my old pole room but I am still very happy with it. I don't have enough space to put up both of my poles but I am thankful that I have a high-quality X-Pole, tall ceilings, smooth floors and enough space to do some floorwork too!

What I enjoy most about having a private space is that I can close the door, dim the lights, turn up the music and just move. I also enjoy that I can see myself in the tall mirrors and be creative, experiment with movement, learn new tricks on my own (with the help of my handy crash mat!), and have a place to condition my body.

I live near a wonderful pole dance studio as well, Aerial Angels in Fresno, California, and I plan on joining as a member there. I learned so much there in the past when I took classes consistently.

Here is a photo of my new private pole dance room:

I plan on learning a lot in here, sharing it with my pole buddies and making some amazing pole dance memories!!!

Real Life Story.

My pole journey is not just my pole journey - it's connected with everything else and gets affected by the circumstances in everyday life, my emotional ups and downs at times, relationships, loneliness, busyness, lack of pole space, motivation level, health issues, whatever - you name it. 

I want to share one relationship that I had in my life some time back and how it affected me. It affected how I felt about myself, how I looked at myself in the mirror, how I felt when I wanted to pole. I allowed this person's words to make me feel less-than, ugly, unworthy, unattractive and even at times wishing I was dead. I definitely didn't want to pole. 

I deleted this post (below in italics) almost a year and a half ago. That's how long it's been since I've published a new post here in my pole dance blog. I struggled with feelings of embarrassment, fear, and confusion surrounding this. 

I found myself being sucked back into a relationship with the same person I describe below after I had written the post and after I had gained clarity about how wrong the relationship was, how unhealthy it was for me. 

How could I go back to this horror? What the hell was wrong with me? I asked myself this over and over and I am sure many others looking from the outside in would ask me the same thing. 

Unless you have been in an emotionally/psychologically/physically abusive relationship, you may not understand the nature of a trauma bond - something I found out had a name, the thing that made me keep wanting to be with someone who would treat me so horribly. 

I have since forgiven myself for this - for wanting poison and not understanding why I wanted it so bad. The nature of a trauma bond is chemical - much like a human's addiction to a substance like heroine. The abuse cycle creates very strong doses of hormones in the human body like dopamine and oxytocin - and thus an addiction is created and it very hard to break. 

I have since forgiven the person as well - and cut them out of my life for good. 

I feel the need to be real, to be vulnerable and open about my shortcomings in hopes that it will help another that is in the same confusing situation. 

Here is the post I deleted in fear of them reading it and also in my own shame of going back to this person. 

Slut. Stripper. Whore. That's what he said when I shared what I really love doing with pole.

The words stung but I chose not to pay attention to the way it made something inside of my abdomen curl up and hurt. I swallowed the words like a rotten, curdled, lukewarm drink that had been sitting on the shelf of someone else's bitter heart too long. I reasoned it away. Oh, he's probably trying to be funny, oh, he doesn't understand pole because he's a guy, oh, this and oh that. Bullshit.

I fell in love - or grew into love - I don't even fucking know what it was now - about 10 months ago. It was 6 months after I lost my husband and I was lonely and looking for someone to fill that void I think. But I met a man, slim and tall and handsome who said and did all the right things that made my heart do funny things.

So I jumped in head first - I felt some hesitation when he was intensely into me at the beginning - I wanted to slow it down but the gravity of a slippery slope of exciting sex and all of that Oxytocin that comes from that skin contact after being so lonely for so long - God, it overwhelmed me and I just let myself drown in it, never stopping to listen to the messaged my gut was giving me all along: slow down; did you really like what he just called you? do you really want to do that? ouch, what he just said and did hurts my soul in a deep way...I didn't even give myself the respect enough to listen.

But I stopped to listen to myself recently, called the whole thing off and stopped it all long enough to have some silence to let all of those messages that have been building up come in a flood...then they slowed down and I gave each message respect and time to absorb them. And I started reading about toxic, subtly abusive people and how they can slowly get into your soul and mind and their poison start its destruction.

I am now in a place of peace inside and out; a place in my life where maybe I was blind for a bit because I chose to be, but then I loved myself enough to make the choice to stop it, to get it out of my life, out of my vicinity physically and emotionally. I am hurting only for the loss of what I thought I had and healing with the hopes for something real and beautiful in the future, something that I deserve. My heart is sometimes so lavish and full and giving that I allow less-than-real people to suck from it.

My dancing will continue. I just put my pole up in it's new space my gym-slash-bedroom of the new house I'm renting. There aren't tall ceilings and smooth floors but there is space enough to do my pole work and to dance like I want to. Some pretty lights will be up soon to set my dance mood :)

I write and share this in raw, ugly realness in the hopes that maybe someone like myself will read it and consider what they have been ignoring. Love doesn't hurt, love doesn't put you down, love doesn't see ways to make you question yourself and what you love doing. If it feels like a sting in your gut, it's a sting in your gut. Pay attention. Don't allow it to keep happening. Love yourself enough to get away from it.

I am happier and freer now and have learned some more valuable life lessons. :)

And I am still poling with great passion! No one can ever take that from me.

Summertime and I'm Feeling Fat.

Trying Brass Monkey!

It's summertime in Central California...and it's hot. The swamp coolers in my house make for a perfectly sticky pole but my lungs don't seem to be able to suck in enough oxygen in this damp, heavy air. I am in the middle of packing up my home to move and dismantling my beloved pole room...and I feel fat. And listless. And unmotivated to do anything exercise related. My shoulders carry something heavy, unidentifiable, probably the stress of moving, so they don't want to carry my body weight upside down as well.

But I feel better after reading the BadKitty blog post "How Curves Help with Pole". It resonated with me. Some say I'm slender, but I know all the extra weight I carry from years of stress and a bad diet. I feel the boniness of my knees when I'm trying to do floorwork then look down and see the softness of my belly spilling over my shorts. I see fat in places I never had it before. I get upset with myself because I don't always consistently eat clean; I'd rather have enchiladas and Cheetos sometimes because they comfort me and I'm an emotional eater that hasn't quite faced her problem.

But when I look in the mirror and look myself in the eye, I see a strong woman. A fierce female that can deal with a little extra on her frame and still feel confident. My massage therapist was working on my back and said, "Girl, you have killer shoulders! You're so built!" We pole dancers forget what sets us apart from the average female that goes to the gym or walks for her exercise. We have muscles. Muscles in places we wouldn't have had muscle if we hadn't taken up pole.

Once in pole class a tall, beautiful, big-framed woman told me "I'm about as graceful as a bull with all this weight" or something like that. To which I told her, "The heavier I am, the stronger I get hauling it up on the pole!"

And for that I can feel strong, sexy and who the hell cares if my belly hangs over a little. The extra fat on my thighs and middle help me grip that pole good! I am at my strongest I have ever been in my life right now.

And I'm proud.

P.S. Thank you to every poler who carries extra weight on her frame and still pushes herself, conquers new tricks, and shares her pole achievements on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram or on a blog...you inspire me and so many others!

Pole Dance Therapy.

It has been AWHILE since I have sat here and wrote out a post...and believe me, I have lots to talk about. My life has changed in a big way since I last posted.

My Pole Room. 

I separated from my husband a few months after my last post. Things happen in a marriage or a relationship that just seem to take time to repair. At least you need a lot of time - or maybe just a little time apart - to figure it out, to get away from the tension, the negativity that surrounds you both like a fog that doesn't let you see things clearly.

Then he dies. I mean, suddenly. Taken out in an instant one night by a drunk woman.

All hope of repairing anything, seeing him again, maybe making love one more time, feeling his arms, telling one another we are forgiven - GONE.

I felt like a huge stone was wedged in my ribs. I couldn't hardly move my muscles right for weeks. My digestive system was screwed up. I only occasionally wanted a piece of cake or greasy pizza...or another shot of Tequila.

After about two months of this, I decided I needed an outlet. I wanted to get back on my pole. It was almost CALLING me to climb on it.

I created myself a pole space in the extra bedroom of my house. It came out beautifully. Smooth laminate floors, a booming stereo, red lights, pink curtains, huge mirrors...hot.

And I danced. I would turn on some wild, hard, throbbing music and dance like a crazy mad woman to the rhythm, the beat and in an instant it would overtake me, the emotion, the pain, the grief, the sadness, the loss like a huge hurricane that hit with no weather warning, like a storm that suddenly changed course and crashed, no SLAMMED right into me and sent me into a sobbing heap in the middle of the floor. The music drowned out the guttural cries from my soul.

But I continued. I didn't stop. I danced my in my grief, swam in its messy, dark waters and wallowed, thrashed, and got stronger. Waaaay stronger. The more I climbed, inverted, put a foot here, tried holding it there, hey- this arm is able to hold me up better now...oh, wow, now I can balance better...

The things that can happen when you don't stop.

Sore!!!

I am SORE today....and I have been training hard in the gym. Weights, HIIT workouts, intense stuff, you know? But that pole...all I did was do some inversions on my pole in spinning mode, something I have been wanting to work on, and whoah! I am feelin' it way more than the soreness I have from my workouts.

I have been working out to:

1. Lose weight so I can haul my ass up better on the pole;

2. So I can feel a little less self-conscious of my fat hanging out of my teeny pole shorts, and

3. I can actually get strong enough to do more on the pole!

And let me tell you, it's WORKING!

I look lots better than I did a couple of months ago...5" off of my waistline, not to mention a few pounds lost, clothes a lot looser and more muscle definition. But the part that I love the most? I can get up on that pole with a little more ease. I don't feel like I'm hauling a hundred-pound sack of beans up a precarious mountain. Now I have lots more strength in my shoulders, upper body and back, thanks to my trainer that I made sure knew one of my big goals is to be able to perform a full pull up unassisted.

I did about 10-15 inversions - just stepping into them - on my spinning pole at home this past Saturday. I spun around upside-down and even did the upside-down Crucifix and also let go with one leg..so just played around getting used to the feel of everything again.

So I'm off to the gym now for a workout...with my pole-sore muscles. And a big smile on my face and a sense of accomplishment that I have been wanting to feel for a long, long time :)

Much pole love to you all!

Sara