Frustration, Body Image and Clothes Not Fitting

Well, I had a break down in my closet last night while getting ready to go out and walk-jog with my 15-year-old daughter. She has been diligent in her fitness efforts and has inspired me to be consistent as well.

I was cursing out my tank tops and myself at the same time because they were all just tight - and not tight in a sexy way, either. I am 30 pounds over my usual weight and that's a whole story in itself of how I gained the weight. But needless to say, I kept looking at how I could see my fat and bulges in places I don't want bulges showing and I slammed the door of my closet and threw as many clothes as I could across the room. My daughter, such a sweetheart, came in and said, "Mom, well at least you're about to do something about it!"

That was all I needed to help me to put the largest shirt on I own and head out the door with her.

I put on a lot of this weight mainly due to a very stressful relationship situation I had went through about a year ago; also too much beer and too many fun shots of Tequila on the weekends; too many late nights and too many times of giving in to fast food meals. And to add to a bad diet, no exercise. No poling, no walking, no nothing.

Like the old saying goes, Rome wasn't built in a day; and also, if it took a year to get like this, it may take as long to reverse.

In the meantime, I am being consistent with my baby-step workouts and also making one small change at a time to my diet. For instance, I've started eating a bowl of hot oatmeal every morning with whey protein powder mixed in, a multi-vitamin and a fresh piece of fruit. The vitamin seems to keep my energy up.

Now I've started switching out sugary drinks for water or herbal tea with honey and also using myfitnesspal app to track my eating and exercise. I have also been learning lots from Sharee, author of the blog funeralformyfat. She went through a 4-year transformation of losing over 100+ pounds and becoming vegan. Her journey is amazing.

My next step is to weigh myself again. Although I know the scale doesn't tell you everything about the state of your body and health, it is a piece of the puzzle and it is a measuring stick I use at times.

And I'm working in my pole training 2-4 times a week at this point, again, the sessions are getting longer and longer, more intense and I am able to do more now than I did a month ago :-)

No Longer an Anonymous Pole Dancer

I recently read a thread on Studio Veena's online forum that was about remaining anonymous as a pole dancer to your friends, family, coworkers, and the world in general...except for that safe, online place or your studio.

I know there are lots of women who let it all hang out and are like "This is who I am! Take it or leave it!" and I always thought I was that kind of girl, too. But I always kept my pole part of my life hidden from certain people; the people I worked with, the people I went to church with and of course, my old-fashioned parents.

But just recently, I have been working very hard at my basic pole skills: climbing, pulling myself up, inverting, learning s-l-o-w-l-y how to get that strength to deadlift into an invert. I also have started going back to pole class in Fresno, something I have been wanting to do for awhile now. (I think I may have found a pole home!) And then I heard Veena was coming through town so of course, I am THERE!

We had a great time and I was so excited about meeting her in person, poling with her, and having her help me with some tips on how to get stronger inverts. I took a picture with her afterwards and I just wanted to share it with the whole world - well, my Facebook world, that is.

See my Facebook world has some of the people I work with on it as well as lots of the people I go to church with. Did I care at that moment? No! I still don't. I proudly posted my little picture with Veena and surprisingly, received a lot of "likes" from some of the very people that I thought might look down their noses at me for what I love to do.

Now I feel a little braver. A little more like I can still be liked and accepted even with the knowledge that I pole. Am I just a person with "people-pleasing" issues? Do I have to have everyone like and accept me? No. Would I stop poling if someone made a rude comment or asked why was I trying to be a stripper or something stupid like that? Absolutely not.

I am what I am, I love what I love, take all of me or leave me alone. :)

#studioveena #poledancing